We, The Lonely People

LOSS OF COMMUNITY

At one time there was no such problem, when you were known within family, including the extended family of relatives. When family became tribe and tribes villages, their members still knew each other to a large degree. Neighbors, friends, and family freely intermingled, were often one and the same. There wasn’t much alternative. One lived, worked, and died among a small number of familiar faces. One was born into community and belonged automatically; the only alternative to belonging would be to leave.

An Englishman I know grew up in such a small village in Yorkshire. he says the most striking quality of the town, and the thing he misses most, was the feeling of being known there. He said it wasn’t even a spoken thing. Nobody would say anything out loud about you shouting at your wife. But they knew, you knew they knew, they knew you knew they knew — and in that there was comfort.

There are problems with that kind of life, to be sure. Oppression and gossip. Rigidity. I wouldn’t want it. My English friend had fled it. But at least it was an existence where people knew who you were. It was a community.

Today we talk about our “loss of community” in city and suburb. Often we discuss it intellectually while sipping scotch. Sometimes mystically, passing a joint. Or nostalgically over beer.

Loss of community. That seems to cover the sense of being isolated and unknown, but when we try to pin it down, the term is elusive. We talk of the neighborhood community, the academic community, the world community, or just the community.

When we try to be more specific about just what “community” means, we usually think first of a place, the place where we live. I think this is what Carnation Milk has in mind when they implore me on their carton to “help keep our community litter free.”

But when we consider where we find a “sense of community,” it’s rarely where we live. .We use the word interchangeably, but it means two different things.

A sense of community is what we find among the people who know us, with whom we feel safe. That rarely includes the neighbors.

It wasn’t always so. For most of history man found his sense of community where he lived, with the people among whom he was born and with whom he died. For some that remains true today. But most of us in city and suburb live one place, and find “community” in another. Or nowhere.

So many of us want back the intimate sense of community, the one where the grocer knew our name and the butcher could comment on meat and life.

Ralph Keyes, as sensitive a young writer as the country has today, knows what America has lost in the name of progress and affluence. When I read this book there stirred in me the hope that we might get it back. This is more than a fine book; it’s a must.

Bill Moyers

This is a mosaic of hundreds of bits — small personal experiences, keen observations, ‘happenings’ and events described by friends and others. Only gradually does the reader realize that the mosaic is a picture, powerful and profound. Keyes holds up a mirror to our modern fractionated society and its isolated individuals. He provides no final answers, but he has given us a provocative book one does not forget.

Carl Rogers

I just wanted to let you know how relevant the book is to me. I like the fact that it is so personal rather than an objective study, and it’s written colorfully and interestingly and really flows … and it’s very sensitive to people …

Washongal, WA

It is one of the few books I’ve read lately that analyzes our American life styles and gives a thinking person an opportunity to redirect in the areas he/she chooses.

Seward, NE

I just finished your book for what I’m sure will be only the first of several times, and I want to let you know that I think it’s really fine — mainly because what you’re saying is right on, and personally important to me, but also because you write like a real craftsman.

Davis, CA

I have rarely been so impressed and moved by any book.

Culver City, CA

[It is] written beautifully and with lots of profound observations — even when the writing is light and amusing. I’ve read a lot of books on alienation and seen many fine films on the subject but I’ve seldom enjoyed such an astute analysis as your presentation of the basic conflict underlying alienation — the very real desire we all have for comfort and privacy (augmented by our modern conveniences) versus the need to humanly relate. Philadelphia, PA

I just wanted to tell you that your book is hitting home, and that it means something to me.

Pasadena, CA

We, the Lonely People is fascinating, insightful & provocative. I would have welcomed such a book when I was moving around the world with my three kids.

Washington, DC

I was extremely fascinated by your book We, the Lonely People. I am able to see examples of your book in everyday life.

Toronto, Ontario

You have touched a nerve that will cause many to re-think their priorities.

Reston, VA

Your book, what you said, and how you expressed your thoughts and feelings — touched me. … Having read We, the Lonely People, I could, for the first time, verbalize my communion. It’s just as you said — there’s a small group who know and accept me, weak or strong, negative or positive or “blah,” a mess or together. There’s a second circle further away from “me” whom I see as individuals I care about and relate to and commune with professionally. (They miss me and I them.) There’s a still larger circle who know my face and name and say “Ahh, I know her.” Of course they don’t know me, but they know my face and say hello and that feels good, too. … We have a common bond of searching for community. Thanks for expressing that part of you so well in We, the Lonely People.

Urbana, IL

You’ve put in words so many of the feelings I’ve experienced. you’ve allowed me the opportunity to deal with them and understand them. Thank you for taking the time to share your feelings.

Albany, GA

I have recently finished reading We, the Lonely People and I would just like to express my congratulations on a very well represented and important book. …In reading We, the Lonely People , I became acutely aware of the ambivalence you speak of in your experience of “seeking community.” While I feel a very real sense of need for community in my own experience, the power of “anonymity” is also, at times, very appealing. My own dilemma notwithstanding, I again must congratulate you on a most important book. I hope many others become aware of this work. I know I will recommend it highly.

Oakland, CA

Your work in We, the Lonely People is indeed brilliant. Your assessment of the erosion of community is valid. There is at least a duality at work and it fuels the gnawing anxiety that somehow the process is slipping beyond our grasp.

Indianapolis, IN

As you acknowledge, the writing of a book on community is an ambiguous event: it takes time away from your family and friends (one of your most important communities), but it also creates a new circle of people who come to know you through your book. All of us, enrolled in a graduate-level “Perspectives on Community” course at [The State University of New York at] Stony Brook, have just finished reading We, the Lonely People. And rather than remaining anonymous, we are dropping a few short words of appreciation:

It is a book which challenges the accepted and unexamined notions of community. Enjoyed the stimulating perspectives you offer.

Lately, when I see a bumper sticker, I think of We, the Lonely People. My wife and I both enjoyed it and identified with it.

I enjoyed the book quite a lot. You say what many people feel, but are afraid to say.

Having emigrated from California to Long Island about 10 years ago, I read (and reread) your book with special interest.

The combination of humor, facts, and insights leaves me undecided whether to recommend it for easy reading or as a reference book.

High Point, NC

We, the Lonely People really hit home. I really identified with the feelings of individualistic, lonely detachment, trying every day to fight it off and wondering what in the world was the matter with me. I’m glad you got to me before one of Dr. Quack’s self-help books did. Now I finally understand what I only had an unclearly focused feeling about before. Thanks for helping me to understand what I’m all about and how I can get what I want from life.

Bloomington, IN

You have a fascinating book and I believe it.

Washington, DC

My husband and I just picked your book up, We the Lonely People and are just starting to dive in. … We look forward to reading the rest of your book and would like to thank you for helping us understand why we have to search for community.

Ventura, CA